My communication  skills lay on expressing deep emotional awareness which is weird because I can be the coldest person I've ever known.

That mask comes out when I'm let down, unseen and unheard.

It also happens when I'm feeling extremely vulnerable,

Expecting "too much" of another or myself, 

Not because I want to be selfish, or controlling, but humans tend to repeat, fall, learn, refine, fall again… ahah you know the drill…

My true desire is to be able to express freely at all times, and I kinda do it, way better now, I used to not do it, voiceless, hurt, it was my breakfast and dinner, and yet this was the perfect shadow for me to surrender to, not yet, but better. 

That is perceived so many times as selfishness or sillyness and so I tried to moderate it, but it feels impossible when I feel vulnerable, (noted). On my way getting better new old tools to it… 

As a young human I consistently went against all my instincts, because most people are not ready for the level of intensity in which I operate, and yet, being as I am, it’s just a wake up call to myself, to my own fears and what’s yet to be loved and learned better and better…

At one point in my life, I just gave up.

On actually believing that true intimacy was something meant to be. And yet I didn't, so I managed to live in two opposing worlds, nothing new, a normal human mechanism, I was just very aware of it since really early, I mean, really early as a child (black moon in pisces and quiron in leo what were you expecting!?)

Sometimes I sense so much closeness with people I've never met (in this lifetime)

It's so intense, I shut down and I escape to my own paracosm, where I'm freer , where I get no longer afraid of being perceived as "too much", which I totally am.

If you're comparing it with "normal" social lines, completely made up to keep us apart from each other.

It's also a fear of letting that wild child version of me to come out anytime I want to, I ask too much of myself, too soon, it is what it is, and in that also lays my authenticity.

I'm for sure too much of the things most people tend to avoid.

I want people to know how to help each other starting with themselves. Balancing between hearing and expressing. Dancing between yin and yang energies of their own. 

Improving by being aware of our own individual uniqueness.

Changing, forming and growing… that's how we're set up, linearly. The rest is freedom of choice and going with the right flow… The most we can.

Each individual has a different way of perceiving reality, that knowledge must become common sense.

People have to feel free enough to be present with themselves first

Level A is:

To take responsibility for how I behave and move.

I want to see and be it.

I want to change in the right environment.

I want to fully express love, myself.

To make it a reality I gotta be brave enough to speak about my view on how to get and stay here, the way it seems best. 

Never fixed , always on the move

Fully present knowing that each view is valid if it comes from the right place, from a place of authenticity (The quality of being real and true).

I'm not looking for social arrangements, I'm looking for intimacy (Teal Swan said this one). I can't escape when I'm able to hear so much information without words.

The way I'm built sets me up for this and I'm so afraid of expressing it openly… Not so much now as before, not nearly! Choices get to be intuitive when I’m fully present, within the body and this plane, I'm just a piece of this huge ever changing puzzle anyway.

Fear comes as a reflex, mostly because of past experiences that led me and others to hurt, I always knew that I was built a little different, so I started to learn soon how to deal with my own anger for being like that. I always preferred to hurt myself before hurting others. I was blunt, I still am, that's why silence came so strongly.

I'm playing this slightly in a better way now, ultimately it comes all back to me so I can slightly learn trough it, a little better, again and again, repetition, try and error, identifying it a little faster each time.

I always said this to myself :

"I can handle this, I'm strong and I'm right". 

Whenever I felt to give up, I gave it space to happen… 

Now I know better the reverse meaning of giving up,

I was being authentic showing myself my own wounds.

I felt as much as I could handle always a little beyond each time, that gave me a sense of power and also extreme sensitivity, and inner strength.

I did it without proper human support, I learned it all through walking through dimensions, higher and lower ones, “All by myself” (that’s the right illusion, doing it alone, in there/here I'm no longer just "myself" as an ego, ego is alone, consciousness is all there is and beyond).

I was really persistent, I started doing it more and more, 

not only dealing with my personal issues, but also with the issues of the people I love, (I wanted to learn more, stretch further), I felt I could save everyone by volunteering myself, going there on my own. 

(Can you sense the disappointment when I tried to pass to others what I've learnt after going there, and it was completely dismissed? People used to judge me for not being fully present, when in fact, I was more than they'll ever realize. I became judgmental myself, and I healed that also as many times as I needed to this day. Sometimes I still am right in the middle of it all not fully knowing how to properly express it, outside myself. It's so frustrating to feel disconnected to the majority of people, specially my family and friends, but ultimately it led me here).

Walking trough the shadow side is the equivalent to enter an abandoned house, It's a thrill, trespassing all norms, letting curiosity guide me, even if it gets me into trouble, I always got to choose the next step, that was the main premise.

But don't be fooled, It hurts, a lot.

Knowing myself on the level I do, on the level I’m open to, because its a on going thing, I perceive it all as a great dichotomy.

I expect a level of intimacy that goes beyond the "box" and I know I'm still agreeing to be in it, and I also know I'm not agreeing with it at the same time. There is no box, somewhere, somehow, of that I’m sure. So I’ll have to try to embody it as best as I can, get it all to be simpler. 

Turning myself off is still presently fresh on my awareness

(Can you sense the duality of this?) I'm learning, persevering, finding the right balance for myself. Its not the same as going to the shadows where I feel deeply everything, this “turning off” is simply shutting down, choosing to hide my humanity, choosing fear, ego, and stepping into the trap, of a lonely, terrified wounded infant. The same one that learns that crying will not get your parents there to cuddle you. The same thing I perceive when I see a person on anti-depressives or “living” in complete shallow material illusion.

Just a slight instant of sensing myself going off, or the ones I love, makes me shiver, It gets me into that abandoned house again and again. That's why I take so much time to open myself fully to new relationships, and few were they who got to experience it for now.

The gravity on that issue is still pulsing strong, so I gotta see it as a key, an important one. The lack of trust in people, choosing to be detached and uninterested in playing the game. That had been a safe place, but also a prision.

I'm looking for creating a safe space to grow, to share It with others who want the same. People who don't deal with their own shit are not the people I want to share this with.

That's why I think recording it is so important, as a text, video or voice message, as a legacy to others and myself,

through subtil interactions, waiting to be experienced by the ones who choose it, when they choose it. 

It's a way of detaching myself of the constant realization that happens between people, this great dyssynchrony that is so present globally, runned by expectations and norms, old ones, soulless ones!

Sometimes I wonder:

Who's more avoidant than committed to their personal growth should stop trying to mess with my commitment to my own personal growth and yet that is a perfect way as far as the universe runs. 

If people choose auto pilot mode, everything runs out of balance but it's still running to the right place, but don’t be fulled, right is not the same as good, truth is not the same as nice, and so one…you get it.

That's how I choose to see it (on this lifetime).

New boundaries and levels of perception are coming naturally to my attention because my hole being gets so damn turned on by it, by choosing life.

The most real thing to me is to release, express and create. 

When sharing, I'm being

Freedom, I am.